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Hey everyone.....
I'm really not myself.....
..... I really dont know how to explain it.
I went back to montana last week rather unexpectedly.
I didnt tell many people though I realized how many missed my absence.
It was my grandmothers 87th birthday and..... She's dieing..... any moment now and it hadent dawned on me the sevarity till I saw her....
If anyone's ever had some one like a mother, sister, lover, teacher...... anyone that had been there thier entire life. One that had seen you at your weakest and rather then be angry or tell you to suck it up had shown nothing but understnading and comfert then you understand.
Its not like when a pet dies, its not that kind of hollowness.
Its as if ...... I'm dead......
Like I myself am no longer living and I myself will never breathe agian.
My chest hurts..... I'm drowning and I watch as I hoplessly reach for air as it seeps through straining fingertips.
Its not fair cause I'm already a bleeding heart and even now my heart seeps blood that I lack seeing myself gaining the capability of pulling me out anytime soon.
But the entire reason I'm writing this rather then just calling or texting those that this concernes I'm...... not being social. And I do feel really really bad for those I know here that I could have easly seen in montana to all those people.
I'm sorry.....
I'm so sorry....
I'M SO SO SO SO SORRRY!!
I KNOW.... I know I should have done more to see you but ......
It hurts..... it hurts...... I'm so sorry
This isent usually like me...... I'm sorry....
Usually I try to always be seen with a smile on my face and a laugh in my voice. But with all the things going on in my life and all the problems I'm having right now..... I feel like dieing myself.
But even though I'm like this I have yet to give up and despite the great preassure pushing in on me I refuse to allow myself to fall.... Even if I'm pushed to my knees I will never eat dirt.....
So please bare with me for now....
I really truly love you all.....
The humble Tuesday.